I know that this may come as a shock to some, but single Black women are not social tragedies who need to be fixed. Many are quite comfortable, and dare I say actually happy, with their status despite what the preachers and movies say about us. We do not need or want your books, articles, or tips about how to fix our problems or how to find a man—so please stop. In case you have not heard or noticed, it is 2014 not 1914, so let’s end this incessant obsession with the interior lives of single Black women. We do not need your prayer vigils. Let’s stop with the long laundry lists of black girls’ problems disguised as “self-help” advice on how to find and keep a man. It is so 20th century to still see Black women, particularly single Black women, as unlovable. The gig is up. Not only is it not the truth, it is cover-up for some other real issues that we must begin to face. It is time end the silence. It is time to tell the truth.
The truth is, the real tragedy, if you are a single, cis, heterosexual Black woman committed to dating Black men in the United States is finding a Black man with a healthy relationship to Black masculinity that is not completely hijacked by hetero-patriarchy. A lot of Black women are single, not because they cannot find a man—despite the hype it is not that hard—but because they choose not to be victimized in their relationships. The media loves promoting the angle of unlovable Black women, but most of us know that is a false premise. It goes without saying, that we are conditioned to be a lot more comfortable with single men than we are with single women. We are taught that single men can have fulfilling lives outside of marriage. Even white heterosexual class privileged woman get to make the kind of choices about dating and marriage that do not make them casualties or victims in our culture but agents. Unfortunately, we cannot seem to move past our love affair with pathologizing single Black women. We continue to hold on to old 20th century arguments that Black women are “too strong” for Black men or for any man for that matter. Well, I think it is time to stop chastising Black women for overcoming racist sexist expectations and deal once and for all with the real issue.
When I talk to Black women, which is often, I can tell you that there are plenty of sisters who are not frustrated about being single. Plenty might want to be partnered, but plenty more enjoy their single lives too. What is frustrating for some of the Black women that I talk with is the difficulty that they have with finding partners who are not seduced (and damaged) by the most sexist notions of masculinity. I am referring to those men who believe that, being men comes through dominating others. Just like white women, in a sexist racist culture, Black men can act as the oppressor or be the oppressed. Yet, far too many Black men refuse to see how they have it both ways and by ignoring this reality end up wreaking havoc emotionally in the world, especially in their romantic relationships with women where they often feel the most vulnerable. If we are ever going to survive this world intact and build strong families, legacies, and communities then we will need to embrace a new definition of Black masculinity that does not try to force Black women to shrink or be controlled. I am talking about a healthy Black masculinity that is not insecure but whole, healing, and restoring. It is the difference between openly practicing and promoting parity and fairness versus justice, love versus intimidation, cooperation versus competition and control, and understanding versus conflict.