The T-shirt looks like it was designed by that person in your office who abuses PowerPoint. You know, the person who thinks that slides are pages of a chemistry textbook and reads straight off them? All that’s missing is the Far Side cartoon in the beginning. Do people in business still start their PowerPoints with Far Side cartoons? It’s still a staple of the education PowerPoint, because teachers live the same year over and over again for 38 years and have no idea that newspaper comics go out of print. The Far Side cartoon is crucial to making the presenter appear to have a sense of humor before that person spends 150 punishing minutes proving they do not. “Heh-heh-heh, these cute little animals from the mid-’80s are here to remind us that it’s OK to have fun. But really, there’s nothing fun about bloodborne pathogens in the workplace.”
The Dolphins cartoon could be a Tyrannosaurus Rex with a Triceratops in its jaws. Caption: “I thought you could take a joke.” More New Yorker than Far Side, but it will do.
Producing tees is no easy task. To save money, you end up contracting with the guy at the flea market who sells shirts with Stewie Griffin cursing in Spanish. Or worse, one of those Internet logo companies. (“Our clients include Vinny’s Drywall, Edna Titwillow’s KittensWearinMittens.com, the Miami Dolphins …”) No matter how many XXLs you preorder, you always get boxes labeled Small, Smedium, and Smidge. And forget about laundry. Sports on Earth bought some T-shirts for promotional use last year, and I was one of the first guinea pigs. The XL fit me like sausage casing. After one washing, my eight-year old was wearing it to day camp. It’s now fitting snugly on a Green Arrow action figure, and if that falls into a swimming pool the tee will be reclassified as a subatomic particle. If a shirt only has one chance to deliver its message before going non-Newtonian, you might as well get the most bang for the buck.