The best political and cultural opinions are those that can be printed on tees as pithy, easy-to-remember slogans. Barring that, just keep making the typeface smaller and smaller until you get your point across to anyone willing to stare at your chest for two or three minutes.
The Miami Dolphins opted for the latter alternative when proclaiming their new, enlightened worldview. Fresh off a bullying scandal involving their offensive line, and bracing for an all-new lawsuit against one of the barely-got-off perpetrators of that bullying scandal, the Dolphins took a few days to compose a lengthy new credo this offseason, then zero seconds editing it before slapping it on some tees.
The new Dolphins T-shirt features a 103-word manifesto patterned around the U.S. Army Soldier’s Creed, but seemingly rewritten by a group of lawyers wary of overpromising. The Soldier’s Creed is an inspiring (if lengthy) statement of military commitment to strength, justice and honor. The Dolphins’ Credo seeks to improve the team’s image by boldly deploying vague language about standing for such things as, er, standing for things. Like literacy, because that’s important, and this T-shirt is longer than most junior high summer reading books.